Would you consider being a character witness for my Senate confirmation hearing? At last, a really good — and totally appropriate — job in the White House is available, and the President has decided to nominate me. This week, speaking in San Diego, he proposed a new Space Force, and I’m ready to serve my country and the universe by becoming the first Commandant/Czar.
My credentials are impeccable.
I was born on H4, the fourth of a series of planets known as the Hiersoux Galaxy, four very similar planets visible only in bright light from a tiny area of our planet, about 5,000 square feet, two miles or so North of the UC-Berkeley campus. Below, you’ll see an image of my first descent from Space to Earth.
I was quite young at the time, new to the navigational arts, so miscalculations forced a lengthy interim stop for bagels and other refreshments on the Southern tip of Africa. My subsequent corrected flight path took me to the United States, where, to confirm my extraterritorial birth, I was assigned an Alien Registration Number: A14 xxx xxx. That was my main official identification before, just ten years later, I was given a U.S. Passport so that, with minor surgery, I could secretly blend in with the population. I now appear more or less authentically human, almost Amurrican.
I’m with the President on this. We desperately need to spend much more on Defense/Offense, and in any case, this is the right President to overcome the obstacles. Having had the inestimable advantage of withdrawing from the Paris Climate Accords, the Trans Pacific Partnership, threatening to withdraw from NATO and NAFTA, trying to impose tariffs in contravention of WTO rules, he is just exactly the guy to withdraw from the several treaties and conventions regarding the weaponization of outer space.
The Attorney General remains conveniently silent, as shall I. All I want is access to my West Wing office, the right to design my own uniform, and the privilege of joining the President in continuing to make Russia and China great again.
He was so right when he speculated that if Secretary Clinton had won the Presidency we would not be thinking of these glorious adventures. We’d be bogged down in trying to create better environmental rules, a more equitable tax code, trying to defeat gross racial and gender injustice, improving health, using much more diplomacy than chest-beating, making better policies based on science, imagination and art, all those little ordinary things that would likely promote the common good, our better angels, and fewer porn stars. Boring!
If I am confirmed, I shall insist on bringing along my own Chief of Staff, the determinedly serious Warrior-Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. Grassy, as we call him, is as enthusiastic as I am about designing our new uniforms and ordering the dining set for our offices. To preserve a reasonable budget, he’s offered to bring along his very own telescope.
I’m The Man! See for yourself. Will you support me? Donations in multiples of $100,000 will guarantee you a seat at our (dining) table, and a chance to cheer up Grassy.
Raphael Shevelev, a former alien from the Hiersoux Galaxy, expects to be nominated by the President of the United States as the first Commander/Czar of the Space Force. Up to now he has been an artist and author, whose work can be seen at www.raphaelshevelev.com.